Is It Wrong To Ask Where A Relationship Is Going After Two Years Of Dating?
April 7th was our second year together as a couple. We celebrated it as if it was our birthday. He bought us a bottle of champagne. In his house that night, we ate and made a toast to our future. He said, “To a happy future.” I said, “To happy days and a lot of good loving.” We drunk to it. We watched movies and later spent the night together. The next morning during a conversation I asked him, “What does a happy future look like to you?” He said, “It means exactly that. More happiness between us and growing more in love.”
When I asked that question I was anticipating an answer than what he gave. Spending two years together should give us some clarity. It should tell us where we have been and where the destination was. I wanted to hear something like, “A year from now, we would be married or engaged or something.” But he left everything blank as if our future together didn’t matter. I’m a woman. The future is very important to me so I asked him, “How about marriage? Isn’t it about time we started making plans toward marriage?” He answered, “I’m not ready.” I asked, “You’re not ready to talk about it now or you’re not ready for marriage?” He repeated his answer, “I’m not ready. Let’s leave it at that.”
I was disappointed but I didn’t want to argue with him. I’m twenty-nine going on thirty. If everything went according to my childhood plans, I should have been married at twenty-five, had my kids before thirty so at thirty I can concentrate on building my life, a business, or building a home worthy for the family. All these didn’t materialize because of an ex who wasted five years of my life. We dated and were happy through it all until one day everything changed. He wasn’t communicating. He wasn’t doing what he used to do. When I asked what the issue was, he said everything was ok. The next thing I knew, he had traveled outside the country without telling me. When I finally spoke to him he said, “My situation now wouldn’t allow our relationship to thrive. It’s better we don’t waste each other’s time. Let’s end it here.”
Five years of my life went down the drain with nothing to show for it. From that point, I was careful with men. It took me months to heal completely. It took me months to fully open up to another man and that man was him. I told him my story and he was sympathetic. He promised me happiness and all so I fell for him. True to his words, life had been good with him, even better than I expected.
He works at the bank and almost always has a busy schedule but he talks to me every time. In the morning before work, in the afternoon during his break time. In the evening, he will call, and then later in the night when I’m about to sleep, he’ll send me a voice note wishing me good night and sweet dreams. When he started doing that from the beginning, I said to myself, “Men and their sweetness at the beginning. Just a few weeks into the relationship, they’ll change and wouldn’t care to even do half of the things that made you fell for them.” He didn’t change. Two years later, he was still sending voice notes and pampering me as though we just met.
After a fight that I’d made decisions not to talk to him, this guy will send a long voice note laughing at my anger and later say, “I’m sorry for making you feel this way. Next time, I will do it again so you get angrier. Get ready for next time.” That would make me laugh but I would send him insults. He didn’t mind. He’ll still laugh at my anger and later make it up to me. His consistency marveled me. The way he helped when I was in need. The way he gave when I hadn’t asked. The way he was always there made me want to settle down with him as soon as possible but he had a different mind.
Weeks ago I brought the topic again. I asked, “What are we going with this? What’s the end game? Is marriage part of your plans?” He said, ”I thought we talked about this the other time?” I said, “This time I want specific answers. I want to know what’s in this for us.” He said, “I told you the other time that I’m not ready to talk about marriage.” I asked, “Does that mean marriage isn’t on your card now?” He said, “It’s not something I think of. Maybe someday but not now.” Then he asked me, “Are you not happy? So why are you complaining?” I said, “I’m not complaining. I just want to know where this is going.” He said, “We are happy and that’s the most important thing. There are married people who are not happy as we are. You should be grateful. You should be happy about what we have.” I said, “I’m happy for what we have, that’s why I want it consolidated. I’m not happy for not knowing where this is going, so make up your mind and let me know”
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If anything, I should be the one to change my attitude because of the disappointment in what he said. I’m not fighting him for not having plans for our future but he’s giving me attitude. He doesn’t call until I call. My late-night voice notes had stopped. There are no more afternoon calls. I’m the one doing all that and the worse thing is, he has started missing my calls without calling back. He tells me everything is alright yet behaves like we are fighting. For the first time in our two years of dating, we went a day without talking to each other. I didn’t call him. I was waiting to see if he would call. He never did. The next day when I asked why, he said, “You also didn’t call me so you can’t blame me.”
I don’t know what to do now. I’ve asked questions. He tells me everything is ok and he still loves me but his behavior doesn’t support his words. Now I’m dealing with two issues. I’m dealing with a boyfriend who doesn’t have me in his future and a boyfriend who is giving me an attitude for asking questions. Should I move on? Should I wait for a while and see if something changes? Am I wasting my time hoping he’ll change? What do I do? I’m broken to pieces now that this current one is ending just as the previous one ended.